I just wanted to make him proud of me

I just wanted to make him proud

proud

1. feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated.

Matthew 3:17and behold, a voice from heaven said, “This is my beloved Son,[a] with whom I am well pleased.”

8 Years ago I changed my life. I lived a horrible life partying drinking and running the streets. Trust me I was a horrible girlfriend very abusive, flirty with other men, a cheater.never wanting to give my boyfriend at the time husband now all of me. My fear was love to believe anyone would ever fall in love with me.  I made mistakes because i did not know any better. I didnt know that I could have a relationship with someone and them actually have real feelings for me because I believed people dont love people and when you dont believe the truth well then its hard to see the truth. When i woke up oneday from the life I was living when my dayo left me I wanted to change. When i changed i changed because I just wanted him to be proud of me, I wanted him to be proud of the person i would become, I wanted him to be proud that I became a better woman, faithful, hard working, someone who doesnt sneak behind his back, someone who he could build a home with because we both came from broken homes, someone i could build with. When we first went to get married I was making sure i could do everything for us because I just wanted to show him everything i learned to do since we broke up many years ago show him how much i grew. I just wanted him to be proud of me because the reason i did it all was to show him i could be better. To prove to him. Not to gloat of all i can do but the one person who i love so much in this world i wanted him to be proud.

I made so many mistakes

mistake

1. 1.

   an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

James 3:2

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body

Many people don't like admitting fault because people don't like to be wrong. Especially if our wrong hurts someone. When I was a teenager i was a bad girlfriend because I was a hoe, I was abusive, i didnt love myself so i couldnt love anyone else. I made mistakes, i did wrongs, I hurt other people by my actions. I even know that our mistakes effect peoples futures. My mistake effect even my future. Being a wife its often hard for my husband to forgive me for my past mistake. Mistakes from my teenage years. Our actions effect our future. The best thing to do is to always make sure we try to fix our mistakes. Now we wont be perfect and things happen because Everyone stumbles and falls  but there are things like forgiveness.1 John 1:9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sinsand purify us from all unrighteousness.

Forgiveness is not always easy i know for myself its one of my struggles since forever. I struggle!

There are things like Changing your life! So because of my mistake i choose to change my life! To become better! Because I hurt my Husband

Relive

Im done reliving my past

re·live

live through (an experience or feeling, especially an unpleasant one) again in one's imagination or memory.

Isaiah 43:18-19

18 “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

When im upset with someone who hurt me i know i make them relive what they did to me over and over. Because I am hurt i know ive done this to my husband so many times. Yet its not just him. I just want them to get the point that what happened hurt. I only do it when i feel they dont think they are wrong or when i dont think they get what they did. This is something i have to work on because eveyone makes mistakes and fails us. I just often feel that  Im always saying im sorry and no ones saying sorry to me in anytime anyones ever hurt me. I feel like im holding on to so much of my past that im so stuck myself and i cant move forward because i cant let it go. Just like people who know me from my past are so stuck that they cant let it go. So my whole life within myself and with others is about reliving my mistakes. I just want to be free. Im proud of me

Are you proud of me?

Proverbs 31:28

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

Affirmation :emotional support or encouragement.

I ask my husband alot for affirmation. Not to gloat or get big headed. Emotional support is important to me its my love language. Because Im willing to bend over backwards to make sure we have what we need. I get so drained so i love thank you's, baby your doing great , support, encouragement to keep me going so i can be emotionally healthy for us. I just want to be a good wife. I just like to know he's proud of me, or if he thinks im doing a good job as a wife. I ask alot and i know its annoying but. But it keeps me going.When you care about someone you want them to let you know your doing a good job! I ask do you think im a good wife? Are oyu proud of me, how was your meal. I often watch my husband eat and watch how he licks his fingers to see if its good. Then I say to myself I did a good job. He doesnt always clean his plate but i just find more meals he might like. He means alot to me so his opinions important to me his encouraging words are important to me.

Confessions of a bad girlfriend: Asking for Forgiveness

Confessions of a bad girlfriend: Asking for Forgiveness

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I use to be a bad girlfriend! I confessed my sins. I know i was wrong and i know i made mistakes. Thats why i confessed and i acknowledged the truth of my wrong doings. Yet if i didnt acknowledge the truth and confess to it then there how could i be forgiving. Because that means i did not believe i was wrong in my wrong doings. Yet the point of confessing my sins acknowledging them and changing my wrong doings is so i could be forgiven and reconcile relationship!

I used to be a bad girlfriend:yet I wanted to reconcile

Hosea 3:1-3

3 Then said the Lord unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the Lord toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.

2 So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley:

3 And I said unto her, Thou shalt abide for me many days; thou shalt not play the harlot, and thou shalt not be for another man: so will I also be for thee.

rec·on·cile

restore friendly relations between.

I use to be a bad girlfriend but I wanted to reconcile. Not because i wanted to cause harm to the one i said i love but because I love them and wanted to make changes to prove to them that i love them. I wanted to make things right to love them. Treat them good. Be a better woman. Be that woman in proverbs 31 where she does her husband good and not evil all the days of his life. Yet it takes the person you damaged to accept that your sorry and are ready to do right by them

Being a Girl with Nothing to offer

I use to be a bad girlfriend: with nothing to offer

bring something to the table
to provide something that will be a benefit

 Proverbs 31:10

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

 Im not just looks. I have a mind. I'm smart. I cook I clean I have my own place n car two jobs and I go to school I run a ministry I pay my bills on time and have good credit I'm loving giving faithful with good intentions to offer love. I'm giving funny I'm humble I know where I came from. I'm trust worthy.I have self love. I don't pretend to be anyone but myself. I have a lot to offer. I have a lot I bring to the table. When I was younger all offered was sexual pleasure but that's not much to bring to the table because sex doesn't make no one stay everyone can offer sex



I use to be a bad girlfriend : but now I'm going to be a wife

Proverbs 18:22

22 He who finds a wife finds a goodthing,
And obtains favor from the Lord.

 I was never wife material I wasnt good enough. But now I'm going to be a wife. I made an effort to make my nothing to offer to some thing to offer from being nothing to becoming a good thing. I almost didn't become that because I almost didn't change but I changed and now I'm going to be a wife

Confessions : I abused my boyfriend

I use to be a bad girlfriend : I use to be abusive

a·bu·sive
extremely offensive and insulting.

Colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.''

I know this says husbands in the scripture. But we live in a day an age where woman abuse. I use to be abusive verbally,emotionally mentally and physically abusive. I abused the person i said i loved. I tore him down. I belittled him. I made him feel small. He loved me. I ran him away because i called him out his name. All types of B words. I made him feel like less of a man. I made him feel that he wasnt needed or wanted in front of my friends. I put my hands on him. I damaged him. I dont want to be like that. I dont want to hurt him again. Because no one deserves abuse. Everyone deserves love so ladies becareful. Men becareful because you can lose a good person due to your abusive ways

Confessions of a bad girlfriend : i say things that hurt others

Matthew 12:36-37 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

I use to break down my partner with hurtful words. Hurtful names. Say things that once they came out of my mouth I cant take them back. They really hurt people and dig deep to the core. But I just outburst. Then I end up with regret. My stupid mouth. Sometimes I wish I didn't say some of the things but I do..

I use to be a bad Girlfriend: I used Self harm to Manipulate 

manipulate

to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner:

Mark 5:5

5 Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.

I use to be abusive. I would use suicide and cutting as a way of keeping people around. Manipulation Because theyed feel bad if i hurt myself. For a long time i knew I was harmful. I knew i wasnt good for people so i stayed away.  I called myself rogue because everything she touched she damaged. Ive been afraid of hurting people. Im afraid that ill hurt some else if i get to close. Because of what i once did. I dont want to be that. I dont want to cause pain to other people because of my own issues. I dont want to be toxic. I dont want to us suicide or self harm to keep people around.  Because if not i have to stay away from people ill have to be alone. thats not fair to them

Confessions of a bad girlfriend I need to think before I act

1 Corinthians 10:13

13 No temptation[a] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure

Believe me I know from experience losing someone is not worth a hurtful word. Or abuse or manipulation.  You can break out of your cycle because once   someone's gone you will live in regret is it worth it?

Giving all of you

Confessions of a bad girlfriend: I was never fully into my relationship

Hosea 3:3

3 And I said unto her, Thou shalt abide for me many days; thou shalt not play the harlot, and thou shalt not be for another man: so will I also be for thee.




I can't say I've always been fully involved in my relationship's. I've allowed other men in the past to walk in. I emotionally haven't been their. Maybe I was physically there but I wasnt there. My mind was on other things and other places. At one point I was in love with one guy and with another. He had me physically but my heart longed to be with someone else. That's not fair to the person who loves you. If they are putting all of them and your there but your not


Confessions of a bad girlfriend : I want all of you

Exodus 20:3
3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

All: the whole of one's possessions, energy, or interest.

He wants all of you. Not just partial. The point of a relationship is to be in the relationship. Not cheating but fully enganged. Being present physically mentally and emotionally.  Knowing what's going on. Not being selfish and just allowing it to be a one-sided relationship. Knowing what's going on in the relationship. Knowing about what's happening during your relationship. Caring about the oyher partys feelings.In a relationship its a beautiful thing when your wanted. And its great when someone wants to be there so why aren't you making an effort to be there?





I use to be a bad girlfriend : But I'm making and effort to be in my relationship



Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.



ef·fort

a vigorous or determined attempt.

I know that a relationship requires two people. Two people who want to be involved. Its hard when one person is only making an effort or a minimum effort and the other is making minimual to none. Its like dragging dead weight around. Doing all the work making all the effort it like loving all by yourself. I use to be a bad girlfriend but I'm making a constant effort on being in my relationship. I have stopped trying to make an effort. Because I want to be here.


I use to be a bad girlfriend: But I was trying to correct my mistakes

cor·rect

free from error; in accordance with fact or truth.

I was trying my best this time. To fix my mistakes. I know in the past I've been a bad girlfriend but I'm not going to beat myself up now. Because I know the offenses come and I won't be perfect but I was doing my best to be better. I wasn't abusive. I wasn't cheating. I wasn't talking to other men behind his back. What I was doing was being a better girlfriend. I was being faithful. I was planning our future I was making sacrifices that I've never made before. I was offering my best because I know I made mistakes in my past

Is today the day he stops loving me?

Confessions of a Bad Girlfriend: Getting left is my biggest fear

di·vorce

the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.

1 Chronicles 8:8

8 Sons were born to Shaharaim in Moab after he had divorced his wives Hushim and Baara.

After being left so many times you start to believe your just not good enough. You believe that no matter what you do someones going to leave. No matter how hard you try it wont really matter. I want my marriage to be my be my first and only marriage. I dont want to continue in the generational curse of divorce and being a single mother. I want to break that chain from my family. MArried to one man kids with one man. So im afraid that even though I use to be a bad girlfriend that even if i try my best do be the best i can be. I still wont be good enough and will end up in a divorce. I dont want that.

Confessions of a bad Girlfriend: Love like tomorrows never promised

Matthew 5:31-32

31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

Love like tomorrows never promised. Love like death is right around the corner. Love like as if you dont want the person you love to never walk away.  Because those moments that you share. The love that you share just like that in a blink of an eye could be gone and then you will be left grieving. LEft in heart ache . Second chances dont always come. So love love with all your heart. Dont take people forgranted  tomorrows never promised. So love and never stop loving! because somethings are not worth losing. Somethings are not worth arguing about. Somethings are worth leaving for. And oneday can change everything.

Confessions of a Bad Girlfriend: Feelings of Doubt I wouldnt be surprised if he left

Deuteronomy 31:6

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Unworthy, not good enough, unlovable, imperfect, used up, dirty,full of flaws, insecure,i could go on there is so much. Sometimes I wonder what he see's in me to stay? I dont deserve his love yet he loves me everyday. I get it wrong yet he's still there.God loves us and sometimes what makes us want us. but he does. Yet everyday because of my own flaws it makes wonder is today the day he stops loving me?

Confessions of a BAd Girlfriend : My intentions

Confessions of a Bad GirlFriend : I promise I have good intentions for him

Proverbs 31:11
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

in·ten·tion

a thing intended; an aim or plan.

I use to be a bad girlfriend. My ways were flawed. Yet this time around Im trying to be better do better become better. For him because i love him. I want whats best for him. I have good intentions. Making sure we build together.Staying faithful. Getting things in order so we can have a family oneday. We can travel, make memories build a life. I want him to know within him that i love him so much.I want him to trust me, trust that i have good intentions for his life as his future wife. Im not out here trying to destroy him.I just want us to have a good life. I use to be a bad girlfriend but those arent my intentions.

I use to be a Bad Girlfriend: But these are NOW My Intentions !

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Amazing: startlingly impressive.

These are my intentions! Her children arise up and call her blessed and her husband also and he praises her. I want to be an Amazing Wife!I want my husband to be able to talk about how great his wife is. I dont want to just say im married just to say im married. I want to live out this definition of a wife and kick butt at being a wife. I dont want to have kids just to have kids. I want to be an amazing mom. I want this more than I want my degree. I want this more than anything in the world besides Christ. Because i value it. And value something when something means something to you. You do your best to make sure you achieve your goal.I want to be an amazing wife. Im dedicated into doing that. I my actions prove it its not just words.

I use to be a Bad GirlFriend: Acknowledge that Im trying

Hosea 3:1 Then said the Lord unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the Lord toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.

ac·knowl·edge

accept or admit the existence or truth of

I use to be a bad girlfriend but im trying. Im not perfect but im trying to be so much better than i was. Im putting in so much effort to prove that im better. I just want it to Acknowledged because if its not then it will be taken for granted. Remember who i was. And really take a look at who i am now. Im so much better than who i once was.  but all that doesnt matter if the person feels that your not good enough.

I use to be a bad girlfriend: Everyone make mistakes dont beat yourself up

Romans 3:23

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

I make mistakes alot and i know that i want to be a good wife. But im not going to be perfect. Im flawed still. I always will be im notvgonna beat myself up over what i once did.ive been forgiven and i will work on being better. If i mess up ill work on being better. Its okay its going to be okay.im not the only one whose ever been a bad girlfriend.